it’s becoming more obvious every day
that the way my thoughts are organized just won’t do
i’m so used to separating each distinct area of thought… if my brain were a file cabinet, it would have a folder for each course, for each interest, even [regrettably and embarassingly] for God.
out of habit and the want for ease, i’ve found that separating my thoughts thus makes doing well in each aspect simpler… there is no interference from another area of knowledge or speculation caused by the meshing of two categories.
i’ve been trying for the past few months to expand my God folder. or, rather, to remove the physical folder while leaving all the contents in the cabinet… i’m trying to spread my awareness of His presence and my response to every other part of my life. it’s difficult.
and now, i’ve come to realize that it’s not just my God folder that needs expanding.
i guess this really came into my attention towards the end of last semester after talking to upperclassmen on separate occasions. if i am passionate about something, shouldn’t that passion be more expansive than only being present when i am discussing x or y? it doesn’t make sense that i should live my life differently when i am not in the immediate vicinity of these thoughts. rather, shouldn’t i always be in immediate vicinity of these thoughts?
reconciling my interest in and resolutions concerning gender/sexuality and equality with scripture, understanding how magic and pantheism contributed to my faith, connecting my relationship with God with my love for a long hard work out, balancing how i speak to/about God with rationality/science when explaining the Gospel, etc.
why is it so difficult?
it’s even hard for me to try to connect math and physics and chemistry to help form a better understanding of all three.
but, i know i need to. how can i truly love something or care passionately without expressing love and care constantly in the way that i live, i act, i speak… in the way that i am?
blahh. /streamofconsciousness_timeforclass
@1 month ago with 6 notes
